HOLY SHIT I'M BACK OMG OMG OMG WHAT THE FUCKERY IT WAS SO WEIRD I LOVED IT I WANNA GO BACK


*dies* 

I MISSED YOU GUISE BUT IT WAS STILL REALLY REALLY COOL. YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE OMG.

and this isn't really a good news post.

Tonight I had a YiA meeting, and I love them to death, but they always make me think about what I don't have. they talk about their relationships, friends, their lives.

I miss feeling like I'm maybe living.


right now I'm thinking about what would happen if I did die. who would go to my funeral because they cared, instead of being forced by someone else or going so they can say they went.

I wonder if the people I truly care about would come.


I'm not a great person and I'm definitely not special. I don't even have friends. I am alone and there's nowhere for me to go. Not without things getting worse.

Maybe I'll talk to mrs p, but there's nothing she can really do about anything, and if certain people find out about this, I don't know what I'll do.

I know that I sure as hell wouldn't go to a funeral for someone like me. I'm not worth it.

I want to fucking die.


What's wrong with me?

In no paticular order, cause I really have NO fucking idea which were the best

1) Going to the IMC. It was fucking UNBELIEVEABLE. like 12 hours of playing a day, and you're surrounded by nothing but music, great people and four square. I cannot fucking wait to go back. and omg, IMC FUNK. YOU GUYS THAT WAS FUCKING CRACK FOR MY SOUL.

2) Deciding to go vegan. It wasn't a spectacular day by any means, but it was important, and has vastly impacted my life.

3) My first day of work! WOOOOT. it was four hours of me realizing all my co workers are nuts. I LOVE IT.

4) My fifteenth birthday. The day itself SUCKED, but it was a huge milestone for me. I was so fucking shocked that I hadn't killed myself before then...Still am.

5) Finding out I was in fact going to Japan. HOLY SHIT GUYS, I was hoping like FUCK that I would, but I was so sure my parents would pull out. I am so unbelievably excited.

6) There was this moment in the summer where I was doing something, and I just sat back for a minute. All of the sudden I felt this calm over me, and as cliché as it sounds it was amazing. It was the moment where I realized I am infact an Atheist, and I was completely at peace with it.

7) Reading the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Okay, so this took much more than one moment, but HOLY FUCKINGSHITJESUSBITCH it was SO intense. Richard, you are a beast.

8) Mr. Szajkowski asking me if he could keep my Ecological Footprint project. For many reasons. 1) I procrasinated and stayed up till 4 one night because I COULDN'T STOP WRITING (I ended up missing half a day of school lol I got sick). 2) it was about the environment, one of the most important things to me. And 3) I thought I was going to do really shitty on it because I was INSANE when I was writing (I still think it didn't make any sense), and he wrote ¨Kristi come see me after class please¨ on the front (AND TOLD ME TO DO SO TOO) so I was scared shitless (thanks for that, asshole!) the entire class. When he said it was the best he's seen, I think it made my life.

9) MSLC. It was such a fun conference, and I learned a lot (especially that to be a good leader, you have to be able to humiliate yourself on a daily basis LOL). I also met many great people.

10) AND FINALLY, what is probably the best moment of 2008, was when a certain Barack Obama became President Elect of the United States. I may live in Canada, but that doesn't make me dumb. I'm not even joking, I was crying my ass off the entire night while watching four different stations. lol.

I am actually WRITING a fanfic.
lol it's bandom, obv
I'M EXCITED I HAVEN'T HAD A MUSE FOR ANYTHING IN SUCH A LONG TIME.

So, I haven't updated in like two weeks, but omfg you guys. omfg.
I kind of hate myself more than I ever have.
So, I should explain I guess.

I have this friend Chantelle, and she's been my friend since before I was born (and I'm older than her) and her and our friend Tara go to a different school than me.

Anyways, I found out awhile ago that they drink (we're all 15, but I found out when we were 14) and last weekend I found out that they're into hard drugs too.

So, I was talking to Tara yesterday and she ended up saying that Chantelle,her and I should hang out and get drunk, and I didn't exactly say no.

It hasn't happened yet but it's going to on Wednesday and I'm freaking out cause I know that if I go through with it once, it'll happen a lot and there'll be drugs too. and I can't back out because they're two of my best friends and I can't just let everything happen because I need my brain and I can almost guarantee they've lost part of their brains already (fucking E) and I just don't know what to do.

I've screwed up so bad and there's nowhere I can go that I know someone won't judge me. I think I need to talk to Andrew. Fuck.

Anyway, I'm freaking wrecked right now, but jysk I've missed you guys so much.

<3 always

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4-7 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5.Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest (unless it's too troublesome to reach and is really heavy. Then go back to step 1).

pg 123 sentance 5 - 11

...lotte made her turn with fonder regard to her sister, of whose rectitude and delicacy she was sure her opinion could never be shaken, and as Bingley had now been gone a week, and nothing was heard of his return.
Jane had sent Caroline an early answer to her letter, and was counting the days till she might reasonably hope...

lol makes NO sense. that was from Pride and Prejudice though \o/ LOVE.

I'm an insanely fucked up person, and as such, I usually have a relatively unique perspective and/or opinion on things.

School ends for me tomorrow (until September), and I have no idea how to feel about it. So I ended up wondering what all of you guys think about school. High school, uni, doesn't matter. Tell me a story or give me a one word description, it's all good.

fuck. I am so screwed.

I can't fucking write and I can't go anywhere and I have to. I need writing and I need to fucking run.

fuck.

tonight I had this huge fight and I left for awhile (I almost ran away but I have nowhere to go, so it didn't exactly work), and then after I got back my dad and my sister got back and they both were yelling at me and now I have no time to fucking write this and I have no time to finish my homework on the computer and I just wanted you guys to know I'm okay for now. I have no idea whats going to be happening in the next while, but I know it's going to be bad. there's no point lying to myself, or you guys. I'm currently so completely exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, and I just hurt. I might try to find a place to go for awhile because I know I can't fucking stay here without doing more than just cutting. Which I'm probably going to do within five minutes. and I just...I really don't know how I'm going to manage, but I just...you guys are amazing, and I thought you deserve to know that. In the short time I've met some of you, I've smiled so much. You guys can make my day shine.

I love you guys.

omg. you guys, omg.

lol I had my band concert today
and omg.

it was fucking EPIC IN A SCHOOL.
and I was the last one helping out so I got a few movie posters which is AWESOME cause I've always wanted one. omg. omg omg omg.
AND GUESS WHAT


THAT'S RIGHT.

I GOT A FUCKING BURGER KING MASK. ITS LIKE AMAZING.
and my HAIR YOU GUYS. ITS FUCKING NORMAL~.

lol I'm so putting pics up like this weekend.

still can't get over one goddamned hug. wtf. I need another one +___+.
omg you guys. omg. saturday. insane in the worst way possible.
I'm so not in a good mood so I'm not going to bore you with any real details, but I was at my aunts wedding, I just got bad fast. and my parents refused to leave early for me so by the time we did I was crying and texting rosalie (my friend) and I told her I wanted to kill myself because I did and she got scared and called her awesome brother alix who told her it was too big and to tell her dad so she did and (omg hes apparently emotional and he was almost crying with her because of me and I just feel like shit all over again) he called teen touch for her and they talked to him then called him again later and told him it was too big and to call 911. which he did. so, cops show up at my house and told me (in front of my fucking parents) that "my friend...rosalie(?) called, because she was worried that you were going to 'slit your throat'." and then went on and on about it not being a joke like I was fucking joking and then when they left you know what my parents did?
my dads reaction: *looks at me*...*walks away*(it's a fucking miracle he didn't yell at ALL)
my moms reaction: give me your phone(and of course it had all the fucking texts that I sent rosalie and rosalie sent back so I spent like forever deleting them before I gave her the phone). then she didn't really do anything. but on her nighttable theres a shitload of books with topics like "in the mind of your trouble child".
honestly. why the fuck am I still here if everytime my wall goes down a fucking micrometer, I get shit like this happening? fuck. not fucking worth it. honestly.

I want to run away. honestly. I do. I know a guy I can call. kind of. I just cant stand it here anymore.

Not a fucking exageration either. fuck. fuck. FUCK.

So I saw him today. and I'm just going to call him him, because his name honestly doesn't matter in this fucked up situation.

So, lets start at the beginning. Sept 07. I met him (he was teaching at my school for his first and last year there) and honestly, everyone thought he was a fucking perv, because he'd touch your shoulder or your arm casually. This was the first time anyone touched anyone else (including the students) since kindergarten.

After a while, I got used to it but kept up the whole "fuck that guy is a PEDO PERV!" act because despite how nice he was, everyone else concentrated on the fact that he was different(what a shock, eh?). But eventually shit happened and I realized he was a cool guy.

So 3/4 of the year goes by, and it's March. On portfolio night, just before mine, I was sitting in the office talking to Mrs. P (the woman I talked to a few months the year before about my newfound issues) and we were just making small talk and something happened and right before I left she asked me to go to her office after my meeting. So I did, and within probably five minutes I cracked, and I honestly cried a fucking ocean.

A couple months after that (it was in late May I think), things got really bad (not that they weren't already) with my parents, so Mrs. P told me about this place for girls to stay for a few days to get away.
I went through this stupid and tearful thing where I had to go through all my shit in order to go, and I think I was gone by noon. only thing was, Mrs. P said she had to email all my teachers and tell them where I was and why. She couldn't just fucking let them guess for themselves? It's not like most of them would have noticed, let alone cared.

While I was at that place, all I did was cry when I was alone and sleep and watch movies and learn how to play gin rummy.

when my mom picked me up, she looked pissed. and she didn't say she missed me, didn't try to hug me or anything. I was honestly glad. I couldn't handle a hug from anyone at that point. But that was friday morning (I got to the place on wednesday) and so I decided I'd go to school when it was over just to tell Mrs. P that I was back. So I did.
and the first and last thing she did was hug me, and it felt awesome. It may have been at that point that I realized hugs were fucking drugs.

After I finished talking to her I was leaving and I had to stop in the library for something and the two librarians were there talking and I ended up talking to them (fuck was that awkward) and then we were talking about something and then he came in. when he saw me he just walked up to me and hugged me and said he missed me. after three fucking days. You wouldn't believe how good it felt to know that maybe, just fucking maybe I could believe that someone wasn't lying.

It was strange. when I got back, my french teacher/one of the librarians said she was glad I was back. He said he missed me and he freaking hugged me. Mrs. P did the same. I honestly feel sorry for Mr. W cause he's like 30 and he suddenly found out that one of his hopefully favourite (I'M A NERD) students was depressed and suicidal? poor bastard. he was fucking awkward. It's been odd since but I think he's okay with it, which showed a lot about his character. all the other teachers were ~way effing awkward. and goddamnit. I got way too attached at that school.

anyway, over the last months of school at that school, I got kinda bad just from knowing that I'd have two months alone. and thats fucking scary when those two months you spent the year before had suicide attempts.

the last day of school I helped him pack up some of his stuff and he found this book and gave it to me (it was awesome). and ugh.

when me and a few friends from school saw him today, when he hugged me, he said "my girl" and goddamnit. I shouldn't care this much.

I'm not sure why I really wrote this out, but I think that I might never see him again. and that makes me so so so sad. He's the only father figure I've ever had. and honestly? today when I saw my (biological only, fuck if he's anything more to me) dad, I just got pissed off. But my friend is convinced he still cares and might see me more often. HA.

Anyway, I hope you didn't have to read that. If you did, I wish I could give you the time it took you to read this back.

I'm in the dark place.

KAY YOU GUYS I STOLE-ED THIS FROM SPIFFYTURKEY SO PLZ FILL DIS OUT 4 ME :D.

noooooooow I will speak like a human! lol k.
fill this ouuuuuuuuuuut bbs. :D <3.
feel free to be as stupid, funny, awesome, bitchy, serious as you want. just be ~honest!

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

2) What was your dream growing up?

3) What talent do you wish you had?

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

5) Favorite vegetable?

6) What was the last book you read?

7) What zodiac sign are you?

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

9) Worst Habit?

10) If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?

11) What is your favorite sport?

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

16) Do you have any pets?

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?

18) What was your first impression of me?

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

22) What color eyes do you have?

23) Ever been arrested?

24) Bottle or can soda?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?

28) Do you believe in ghosts?

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

30) Do you swear a lot?

31) Biggest pet peeve?

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

34) no 34, just checking you're still with us

35) Do you believe in God?

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for

I'm going on a diet.
and it's going to fucking WORK.
*flails*
CAUSE I LIKE PRETTY CLOTHES D':

So, I might get to finally dye part of my hair purple this week

WHEEEEEEEEE.

omg my heart iz ded. dasfja;sdf;lakjsdk. *heart burst*



LOL iFail.

I NEED TO DO HOMEWORK. FUCK YOU LIVEJOURNAL. FUCK YOU WITH SOMETHING HARD AND SANDPAPERY.

THE SUN IS COMING UP (GORGEOUS!<3)


I need a hug. fuuuuuck.



still going crazy, getting off so if my parents wake up soon I'll at least be in bed. Ughhhh. I was going to do homework and noooo I had to be all socially/emotionally retarded. >;0

mah ipod is beatiful

fucking kill me romantically.

There's so much philosophical bullshit running through my head right now that I *know* I'm crazy.

I just read this FUCKING AMAZING mpreg that isn't even an mpreg its like an mpreg that's so much better than any mpreg I've ever read before this: http://community.livejournal.com/fizzickz/3238.html

and now I'm crying. I've been crying since the 4th part, and I haven't stopped. fucking music. Can't turn it off though. It's not even depressed 'I want to kill myself' crying, it's not me going through some huge thing, it's just crying. So I think I'm going crazy, and it just feels so goddamn good.

I think that today I'll end up ranting about something I have a strong opinion on. Idk. Maybe I'll go controversial and talk about death or something. Maybe I'll just talk about nothing. Whatever happens, happens. Right?

Fuckshit. I can't believe I'm this far from lucid. And it's only 4:10 right now.

so, I just wanted to tell you guys that this:

http://www.acapela-group.com/Greetings/fish.html

fucking WINS at life.

you know what that means.

SPAM MY LIVEJOURNAL TIME! woot.


Currently sexing up my itunes by putting a shitload of radiohead on *g*

that everyone is so open in Bandom.

FUCK YES.

that is all.

p.s. I'm not gonna hide it, this comes after the fucking AMAZING dirty talk pornomeme (I'm only human). I seriously advise you to reading EVERYTHING if you haven't yet.

http://brandixcyanide.livejournal.com/59831.html